Stephen Colbert -- Grammy Winner

I have the comedy album that won a Grammy tonight, Stephen Colbert's Christmas album.

I really don't think it's that great. I got it the Christmas before last, so it's getting older. Why's it just now getting an award?

It's OK. But when I put it back in iTunes this year, I wasn't interested in hearing the whole thing.

But none of the other nominees looked any good. So ... big kudos to the only one I have.

Cutting Chickens

We're cutting some chickens for lunch tomorrow, with enough for some other folks.

To cut chickens is a terrible process. First, they're ice cold, so they're bad on the hands. Then, when I'm doing it at least, to do it is a mysterious thing. It's tough to know exactly how to do it the best, most efficient way.

It'd be nice if they had a thing you could hook them on, like an apple peeler but of course it'd have to be more complicated. You'd hit the button, it'd whir around a couple times, and, presto, there's the pieces of the chicken on a plate in front of you.

That'd make a good commercial, one of those kitchen gadget commercials. The Popeil Chicken Parer.

UPDATE: "Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul"? OK, we get it. There's millions to be made in "Chicken Soup" books. Somewhere there's someone whose job it is to keep thinking of different kinds of souls out there, so they can churn out yet another book for them. Good grief. Let's say I could invent a chicken parer. I might want a soup book for the inventor's soul.

The Call Of The Wild

I might get it done. I might read the book "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London.

It's been a long time. They told us to read this book in the summer between 6th and 7th grade. I never got it done. But I did start it a dozen times or more.

The subject's come up again lately, talking with some folks I know about books. So I went to the basement and got my copies of it (I have 2) and sat down and read the first five or six pages. I can see why I never got it accomplished as a kid. The language is a little tough, the phrasing, and even now as an adult, I've come across a couple of things that I had to read a few times to get.

I might accomplish it. I looked and it's not even 100 pages. That shouldn't be so bad even if I don't care for it. And it would be nice to finally finish it, then Google my seventh grade teacher (I can't remember which one it was though) and let her know I'm finally ready for the discussion.

The thing about this is they told us we'd be responsible for it, that when we got to 7th grade we'd be doing something with it. So I had anxiety and fretted about it all that summer, still never getting it read. Then when I got to 7th grade there wasn't one single mention of the book. The subject never came up again! So for me, all that worry for nothing!

Harum Scarum

I'm busy watching "Harum Scarum" while doing my exercises, meaning I see about 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening.

I think this is a great movie among the Elvis Presley movies. Someone writing at Wikipedia made a general statement that "The film is regarded by many Elvis fans as one of his worst[citation needed] despite being the only film he received a million dollar salary for appearing in." That seems like a very odd thing to say. What difference does it make how much his salary was whether it's good, bad, or terrible? And as for these "many Elvis fans," I must've missed the vote.

I've been an Elvis fan since 1956 and I think it's a good one.

Look what you get. An exotic locale, Middle Eastern shieks, kings, princesses, the whole Rudolph Valentino setting, the Arabian Nights scene. Beautiful harem girls in colorful "I Dream of Jeannie" costumes. Elvis looking great, dressed up in his own exotic costume. A funny thief and sidekick of Elvis. All this and Billy Barty too! Great songs. More about this later. Elvis singing in interesting settings, in a public square, in a jail cell, in a pool of water (imagined to be there by the princess.) Elvis sitting out by the desert in a caravan. A diabolical seductress. A band of assassins. It's all delightful.

As for the songs, I've listened to the soundtrack CD probably 20 times over the years and I love the songs. "Go East, Young Man," "Kismet," "Mirage" ...

I really like "Kismet." Once I hear it I keep it in my head for a day or so.

I'm up the place now where Elvis has broken out of the jail, with the help of Billy Barty, has let the girls down the wall by the rope, and is going toward the palace, to go down through the skylight. So it's getting very exciting.

"Harum Scarum" is an excellent Elvis movie. In my opinion.

Not Watching American Idol

I can't believe I'm not watching American Idol this year, but that's the way it's turned out so far. I haven't seen a single minute of it, which is weird.

I actually forgot about it the first week. But then after I realized it was on I was thinking, Well, just let it go. It frees up more time for me for other things.

I know I was mad last year when Adam Lambert lost and said I wouldn't watch it anymore. But I kept thinking I'd probably cool down and watch it anyway. I actually am cooled off, so that's not the issue. Why watch it, though, in light of that whole travesty? We watched it and we all saw that Adam Lambert was the best contestant, and they gave the win to the other guy? Just remembering it is ticking me off again!

Who knows? If it gets some buzz, maybe I'll tune in. But I usually hear more buzz about it and this year I haven't heard a thing. None of my friends has even mentioned the show this year.

Some Snow Is Brutally Hard

We've had lots of snow. It gets everywhere and we do our best to scoop it.

Then it gets warm, it turns to slush. Then it refreezes. Then the city comes along and pushes it up against the driveway or the sidewalk.

At this point, when you encounter it, it's no longer the light fluffy stuff that people like about snow. Now it's hard, mashed together, tough as nails, thick as as a brick, and extremely heavy.

I've hit it at the midway point -- between fluffy and impervious -- and the snow blower has a hard time getting through it but it can be done, with perseverance and lots of up and down motions with your arms.

But when it's impervious, that's precisely what the term is meant to imply. You could not cut through it with a welding torch. The snow blower doesn't stand a chance, because all it has is iron blades. They're not made of diamond. I can't get it taken out.

And as far as being heavy. There's nothing in the world as heavy as snow. Boulders, even your house itself. Your house could blow away in a tornado. But a snow boulder will still be setting there after the Apocalypse.

What I can't believe is that the sun does eventually wear this stuff down and kills it. It's a real testimony to the strength of suns everywhere.

I Call My Baby STP

I used to have this record. Must've sold it. I sold lots of records over the years, for a very good reason, because I needed the money. But every time I regret missing a record out of my collection, I think, There surely was another way for me to have gotten money. I should've sold blood. I can make more blood. But records are tough to get.

I used to listen to it quite a bit. I've thought about looking it up, but then the thought passes and I don't think of it again for a year. Today was the day! I was at You Tube and typed it in and someone had it. That's great.

The group, The Del-Vetts, "I Call My Baby STP." I don't know if the STP company gave these away or what exactly was the deal. I believe I got mine at a thrift store or a garage sale. I even had the picture sleeve as seen in the video.

It was great hearing it again!

I wonder why STP was so extremely popular and advertised 40 years ago, and these days you hardly ever hear of it. I bet in the '60s and '70s I saw STP stickers a million times. Now I wasn't even sure they still made a product, but it appears that they do.

Why was it so popular at one time? And not popular now?

What It Takes To Be A Good Catch

This little article is on "What It Takes To Be A Good Catch," or I might say "A Great Catch."

Because I like to think, that if I weren't already caught, that I'd be a great catch. Know what I mean?

Some people have a hard time feeling attractive. So do I. Because I'm not especially attractive, I don't think. At times I think I am. I look in the mirror and I think I look great. But I see myself in pictures and I think "Eww," not so good. There's something different about seeing yourself in the mirror, because I guess you're looking with 50% actual eyes and 50% imagination. But when you see a picture it's 100% eyes.

So let's say I'm not that attractive. I don't know if I am or not really.

But I feel very attractive in another sense. And that's in the personality stuff. Not to brag, and not to confess to being a fake, I think I've got it. Like this, I really care about you. I'm really interested in you. I'm really here for you. All that. And I believe I really am.

This isn't meant to be an article about me .... because I'm uncomfortable tooting my own horn. But it's an article on what it takes to be a good catch. And what I think a good catch is is someone who consciously has some qualities like that. Where you immediately go, Maybe this person is too good to be true, but I don't see any signs that he's phony or a creep.

I'm definitely not a creep. I can be a little phony, because I like to put a good face on it, which I think is a good quality. The phoniness is something that, say I wasn't caught (which I am) and I was trying to be a great catch, I'd fill you in on. And we'd have some great laughs about it. Because confidence and chuckling about it are also qualities of a great catch.

OK, today for some reason, my self image is up there. It happens!

So if you want to be "a great catch" -- say you don't think you are -- give it a try. Believe in yourself, and work on the qualities that give a good spin to whatever your personality is! You'll get caught!

Zippity-Do-Dah

Moses' wife was named Zipporah. The first woman to ever say "Help me with this zipper, dear."

"Zip your lip, honey."

Speaking of honey, they were headed for the land of milk and honey. But Moses was almost killed by God when he failed to circumcise his son. So Zipporah stepped in quickly and did it. "Honey, I Circumcised The Kid."

The Obscure Side Roads

Sometimes I forget that my little blogs are on the very obscure side roads of the internet. Since I'm here everyday, of course, to me these are familiar. But it actually looks like it takes some effort to get here. If you search for just the right phrases -- like maybe "The Obscure Side Roads" today -- I place pretty high on the results. Otherwise, I'm down in the mix with everyone else.

And since I hardly ever make it to everyone else's place on the obscure side roads, there's no real reason why they should make it to mine. But I'm here, by cracky, and not leaving anytime soon.

I'm always kind of amazed when I hear about terrorist trackers, that they're able to keep track of blogs (I think) and websites that come and go in a matter of seconds (I imagine). But something that's here and never leaves, there's no such attention given. It all depends on what you're looking for.

I was trying to check some of the obscure side roads at YouTube today. I was looking for music videos by average people, ones that only had three or four (or no) prior views. That means you have to look at the "Recent" videos, just posted. Otherwise, there's lots of stuff from big record companies that dominates the opening page.

I found a few, including a teen band practicing somewhere. That wasn't too interesting, but a little. Also a couple of girls, individual videos, singing to songs on their stereo. They weren't very interesting either. But it was something that was different. The obscurity at least was refreshing.

Kafka's Assistants

I've been watching the Elvis movie "Double Trouble." It's kind of a freaky movie. It's got strange (apparent) undercover agents, cartoonish thieves, and weird assistants.

It's the assistants I'm thinking of tonight. They were a comedy team, I guess, called "The Wiere Brothers." They are dressed like secret agents, in matching cream colored trench coats. And if you don't look closely they're virtually indistinguishable, like three men in one.

They remind me of the assistants in Kafka's writings, I guess this would be "The Castle." They're there, they're assisting, but their assistance isn't any good. They do unusual things and it doesn't follow the usual logic.

It's a different kind of movie.

Free Psychic Advice

I saw a Google ad on one of my blogs for "Free Psychic Advice." I didn't click it, of course, since that's against the rules.

I wonder how hard it is to offer psychic advice. I think anyone could do it reasonably well, especially on the internet. You just give them a general line about following their dreams, aspiring to big goals, and being assured of success, and you've got a happy customer.

It's all in the stars. Or it's all in the cards. It's all somewhere. I could make a list of about 400 different things, then pull a number out of a hat and that's your advice. The first one is free. Come back tomorrow and it goes to my PayPal account.

I'll give you some free advice. Avoid psychics. Because the answer's already in you. All you need to do is use your imagination and work at it. You can do it. Follow your dreams, set big goals for yourself, and I think you'll probably be successful. And if you're not, hey, it was free advice.

An Ice Storm

We're about to enter another Ice Age, starting tonight, in the land where I live.

According to the map and "Weather In Motion," the Ice cometh, no mention of the Iceman.

So if anyone thinks of it, tonight would be a good night to set the ice trays outside. Hey, free ice!

Do I want this extreme weather? No, not really. But what can I do about it?

I just hope we're OK, that power lines stay up where they're supposed to. That it's not so thick that limbs start falling. And that people don't plow into each other when they lose traction. I've had some of that problem driving around and it's not all that icy, just the snow melting and refreezing. It's still ice, but it's got sand and salt from previous passings of the city guys mixed with it. What comes out of the sky tonight will be pure and indiscriminate.

If it happens, again, there's nothing I can do about it. Just stay in and stay safe. I stocked up on groceries.

By morning I shall see. What if it's "Icy as far as I See?" Ha ha.

Massachusetts, Six Years Is A Long Time

Please vote for the Democrat. To have a Republican senator in there for six years, mucking things up like a vandal, is a long time to suffer.

It's not worth it. The Republicans can't be trusted.

Put The Bone In

I've had the 45 rpm record of Terry Jacks' "Seasons in the Sun" for decades and had still never heard the flip side, "Put The Bone In."

When I was a kid we used to listen to records, the A side and the B side, over and over.

But at some point when I grew up I focused more on the A side. Not in every case but usually.

I was busy recording some of my 45s to MP3s and decided I may as well try this flip side. So I did.

"Put The Bone In" in my opinion is not a very good song. It sounds like one of those throwaway songs you might make up in the shower or driving down the road. The title is awful, in the first place, but funny sounding. Then the song itself is silly.

The story of it is that a woman's doggie has been hit by a car. She's at the market and buying some pork, and begs the meat guy for the pork bone for her dog. Why she would have to beg for it escapes me. Why not just buy the bone while buying the meat?

I've heard it now three or four times. It's short, less than two minutes.

My Billing Off By 30 Cents

This morning I had some bookwork, our billing. It was a little more complicated because of some tax payments, so I was dealing with checks, tax forms, and the rest of my bills.

I thought I was being meticulous. It all had to fit together like a 1000 piece puzzle. I kept going back, backtracking, adding up columns of figures, then re-adding them to double check everything. At one point I was a little upset with myself because I can never trust myself the first time through. I have the question, If you don't trust yourself the first time through, how can you be so sure about the second time? Some of this stuff only needs to be done once ... because I do have some basic competence.

But I kept going at it, and eventually, guess what, I botched it by 30 cents. Meaning my deposit needed another 30 cents in addition to the checks in order to keep me from having to redo the whole thing, the forms, etc.

It's no big deal to walk around the house and find 30 cents. I couldn't do it an infinite number of times, of course, but once is usually manageable. But the point is, with all my backtracking, double checking, and care, it should've come out exact. Somewhere along the line I let down my guard!

Jay's Getting The Show Again

I didn't watch before -- it's past my bedtime.

But if I would've been up at that time, I would make a special point not to watch now.

Jay Leno is dead to me now. (He never was especially alive to me, for the above reasons. But now I'll have a bad attitude against the creep.)

The show belonged to Conan. Anyone who takes it away from him ... is dead to me.

People Walking In The Dark

Step by step, here they come. Walking, and making pretty good progress at that.

I'm cautious when I'm out with the dog. I don't want to be in anyone's way. I don't want them to come upon us and have to get by. One, the dog freaks out when that happens. Two, I'd just soon stay to myself. You be on that side of the road and I'll be on this side.

Tonight I saw someone coming from about a block away. You never know if they'll turn off somewhere else. Or if they'll look up ahead and see a shadowy guy with a shadowy dog and go to the other side of the street. That's what I'd do.

So I'm watching the dog and trying to hurry her up AND keeping track of the shadowy person advancing closer, ever closer. Why is walking such a fast thing? It's amazing the progress you can making just walking.

The dog doesn't know what's going on. She's not looking that far. This is my concern alone. So she doesn't know why I'm trying to rush her and get her to the corner so we can get to our own spot of safety.

This time we made it. The dog took a poop at the corner, I got it scooped up, then hustled her across the road. We still had plenty of time to spare ... and still the form advanced on.

I came back across the street, let the dog in the house, and went to put the garbage out. I looked way down the road, then back to the original spot, then down the road that goes off to the south, but the shadowy form was nowhere to be seen. That's something else that gets to me. How a person can walk right up on you, presumably be within sight somewhere, and yet you can't see them. It's like a magic disappearing act.

Had To Get My Car Worked On

I've been leaking antifreeze for over a month. Nothing terrible but still it's been going on.

I had to take a long trip out of town, so I stocked up on antifreeze and had it along. I probably used most of a gallon, putting it in as it leaked out. Which wasn't that bad, except it was getting on the engine and smelling slightly bad.

I got it to the car fix it place today. And the guy says it's a bad water pump. So it's getting repaired. Should be done tomorrow.

When all this first started, the light for low coolant came on a few times. And I thought it must be a bad sensor or something, because why would my coolant be low? As it turned out, in this one case, the car knew what it was talking about. So it's being fixed! Almost there!

Time Never Forgets When You Die

Maybe if you were a guy in ancient Egypt time forgot when you died. But these days, time remembers.

I have a copy of a newspaper from 1923, from some dinky town in Missouri. On the front page they have the death notice of some folks. There's one guy ... his death notice straddles the fold, and you can barely make out the line of type there.

But I thought I had it anyway. And I was able to prove I was right ... because time never forgets when you die.

I typed the guy's name in Google and his town and state. Up popped a site that has people's death certificates, images of them. And they happened to have that guy's town and place, the whole thing.

Then right below it was his wife's death certificate, with her father's name, filling in the blank (at least proving what the broken type said), what her last name had been.

Be careful of the circumstances of your death. Don't do anything shameful between now and then. So you can die a clean death. Because ... time never forgets when you die! And how.

Wind Chill

It was supposed to be warmer today -- and the temperature did get up there, in the 20s. But the big problem was the wind chill. Even though it was warmer technically, it still felt drastically cold.

I was out at the edge of town, where the snow blows freer, and the countryside has that whole wasteland look going. It seemed like a terrible day to be out. I wasn't wearing gloves and had to carry out some groceries. My poor hands started getting instantly cold before I got to the car.

I looked over at the fields and saw the snow in constant turmoil and thought how fast a person would freeze if he started across there, and especially when you got out of sight of civilization. That would simply be it. It wouldn't be like in Doctor Zhivago, where he's walking across snowy fields and somehow survives. You don't survive that kind of thing.

Fortunately I didn't need to put this theory to the test. Because I got in my car, got it going, and headed home. I have survived yet another day. Another day that I can say, with some assurance, that I didn't freeze to death!

My Dog's Matchless Socks

Because it's so cold out, minus 4 degrees right now, I decided to put some baby socks we have on my dog. We've done it before, past years. In fact these are the same ones. I even used them on her this morning.

She minces about like she can't get used to them. But once outside I think she sees the benefits of having them on. If she doesn't, and it's terribly cold, she gets to the place where her feet are so cold she can barely stand. So I'm busy half the time carrying her. I don't mind, of course, but I also want her to get her business done. And she doesn't exercise common sense when it comes to going to the bathroom, because she does so much sniffing that her feet get too cold and she's incapable of going.

Enter the baby socks! With the little Velcro fasteners. They're tough getting on her, because she doesn't help a bit. She's snarling her teeth. Her feet and legs are limp. She doesn't help a bit.

Once on, though, I know they make a difference. Like tonight. She was able to walk and sniff to her heart's content. Then she still had plenty of warmth left to actually get her business done.

But they're matchless because two are orange and two are green or light blue. But tonight there was one of each color on the front feet and one of each color on the back. Meaning we're darned lucky no other dog saw the fashion mistake!

The professional dog booties you can get, she doesn't like. We have a pair and she won't budge while wearing them. Plus they're harder than heck to get on. Maybe we got a size too small.

Rudy Giuliani Doesn't Remember 9/11

"We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we've had one under Obama."

This is Rudy, who goes to bed muttering "9/11" and wakes up with "9/11" on his lips.

Could something be wrong with his mind? I mean something worse than was already wrong with it?

What's Your Bra Color?

I saw the women on Facebook today were telling what color their bras were. Just by saying a color, like "Beige" or "Red."

I only saw a few. I don't actually remember seeing a "White." Isn't that the commonest color?

I saw a "Blue," which would be the one closest to home here.

Singin' In The Rain

I'm busy watching the film "Singin' In The Rain," for the first time, if you can believe that. I've led a very sheltered life, I guess.

I'd seen the title song and scene a few times but none of the rest of the movie. So it was a real discovery to start watching it, the discovery being how excellent it is. I've had a smile on my face most of the way through because it's so delightful.

There's one part I don't like that much, which is the idea that the filmmaker would make a film with all the weird sound stuff going on. You wouldn't be able to tell me he wouldn't notice that before it was in the theater. Come on. But it's just part of the plot, I'm guessing, to point out Ms. Lamont's shortcomings in the voice/diction department, and that talkie technology had a few kinks to work out.

I don't know how it ends. But I love it so far!

I'm Loving Random Music

I got a collection of MP3s today at Amazon, which I hadn't heard of till I saw it today. It's called "1% For The Planet - The Music (Vol. 1)." I've "heard" every track at least once. I say "heard" because a lot of it was real low volume while I was working.

It had 41 tracks, and a lot of them are by people I've never heard of. But playing it on my iTunes player while I do other things, it's very enjoyable as a background. The songs are interesting and artistic and there's some catchy tunes.

I only heard one that I hated the sound of but I can't remember which one it is. It's toward the end.

What the whole "1% For The Planet" thing is, I checked out the website for about 6 seconds. It appears to be an environmental cause, to benefit the Earth.

The thing about me listening to this is, it's random. Which I like. Because I really don't know what to pick when it comes to music. There's so many thousands of choices I'm just stuck. So I stick with the old familiars, the famous. But if I'm given a random assortment, which I wouldn't have bought track by track, I can play it and actually enjoy it. So it's a conundrum: I'm missing out on a lot of music that I would enjoy, no doubt, but I just don't know where it is!

There's a ton of talent out there, that's for sure. Plus me in the shower.

Please Be Seated

The ushers will lead you in. But wait until there is a pause in the action. OK, now the ushers will seat you. Please be seated. Thank you for your patience.

Football Game With Choppy Picture

What is it with the ABC football games? I'm seeing a lot of choppiness in the picture, almost like I'm seeing every other frame of a film rather than a live football game.

It's not every game. I watched parts of a couple other games and they were normal. But the Rose Bowl -- like another game I saw a couple weeks ago -- has this choppy production. It's very distracting and troubling to my eye.

It's a good game. But if I were prone to migraines, I'd have one by now!