Van Goghgh's Ear

Wow, art historians, working with the team from "CSI: Paris," are thinking now that Gauguin may have cut off Van Goghgh's ear. By the way, I'm very high brow. I say "Van Goghgh's" name like I'm clearing my throat on the Goghgh, not like they had it in a '60s TV series, Vincent Van Go-Go. In the same way I say Johann Bahhhcugh's name like Scrooge saying "Bah," only stretching out the short H sound much more and giving it several shades of vocal color.

Anyway, I've always been under the impression that Van Goghgh did it himself. That he was sick of having an ear like everyone else. And really, think about it, why be a conformist? I can sympathize. You think, why have a nose, two ears, etc., just because that's the way you were born? Maybe you're a one ear person inside and it doesn't seem right to look in a mirror and see two ears. Self-mutilation is just another form of self expression. When I'm low I often cut myself, often disturbingly deep. In fact I'm hoping right now that I don't bleed to death before I can get this completely written...

Tattooing is self-mutilation as well. You're sick and tired of the skin you have, the same as everyone else, and you want to spruce it up a bit. So you give a tribute to your Mother, the battleship you served on, and your lover. I'd like to have a tattoo of a mouse on my chest and every time I puffed up my chest have it turn into an elephant. I think I saw that on a cartoon.

My own connection to Van Goghgh's life is this: In college I gave a highly reviewed speech on the life of Van Goghgh. That is, the life I thought he led. Imagine the waves I would have caused had I had this new research back then. I could have made a mystery out of it, then solved it and gotten an even higher A than the one I got.

UPDATE: I don't really cut myself, not at all, let alone "disturbingly deep." That was a sick attempt at humor and I regret to say there's no cure.